The Fall Of The Kingdom Of Illumina

This is a work of sleep deprived illness induced satire… and inspired by a Discord comment.

And so it was on a calm spring morning that good King Flatley gathered his people for a great announcement in Caer iCaffe.

The people loved their King who had ruled for 17 years bringing peace and harmony to the kingdom of Illumina. King Flatley had ruled wisely, uniting this kingdom with the principality of Solexa. Defeating the traitorous liars of A B and I. And crushing the inferior Ion’s Torrent with superior low throughput sequencing instrumentation.

Kind King Flatley was content, all was well in his kingdom. Finally he could rest. Today King Flatley would finally lay down his crown.

Little did King Flatley and his joyous people know that a great evil was within their midst. The evil wizard DeSouza had infiltrated King Flatley’s great court.

King Flatley began:

“Dear Citizens, to you I am truly thankful.  For it is your efforts that have made the once small kingdom of Illumina great. It has been an honor to serve you. But today I must…”

As he uttered these words a great and unseasonable storm fell upon Caer iCaffe. The winds roared and tossed the great canopy that ordain the citadel in the air. With a great sound it smashed against the ornate glass gates of Caer iCaffe.

The Gods had been angered.

And yet they were powerless against DeSouza’s magic. The evil wizard only smiled quietly to himself and muttered “I have prepared for this day. You gods are powerless against me!”.

Indeed the evil wizard had prepared. For many years he had been casting his magic against the Knights Council of Illumina who would choose the new king. He knew that not even the gods could stop him.

The people wept. Wept for their beloved king. But wept also as they felt a great darkness descend over the land.

And so as the was custom, Old King Flatley road out of the kingdom toward the land of Iridia and beyond. Never to return.

For some years all was well in the kingdom. King DeSouza could be cruel, but for the most part he left the people to themselves. However this changed with DeSouza’s lust for the Holy GRAIL. The evil DeSouza would stop and nothing to obtain this magnificent prize.

One by one the people of Illumina went to their slaughter all in aid of DeSouza’s lust for the power of the GRAIL which he believed would give him the power of extended life.

His reign of terror continued for 10 years. Until one day a brave Knight appeared in the land. The kind and goodly Prince Icahn. Prince Icahn had slayed many powerful dragons. But he knew to conquer the evil wizard DeSouza he must first break his spell.

And so Icahn gathered his forces cheered on my the good squire Dickinson. “Brave Prince Icahn! You truly are our savior! I will post banners at the market of LinksIn (purely for informational purposes and betraying no specific inside knowledge of the kingdom of Illumina)”.

“DeSouza promises us the life giving magic of the GRAIL. But I say it doth not work!”

“Honestly, I think did he tell great untruths”

“There are those that saith the GRAIL is lustful and cruel bringth a frat culture to our kingdom.”

“I would be available to join the Council of Knights, if it would be of service!”

Prince Icahn looked on in silence.

So it was that the foundation of the wizard DeSouza’s demise was laid. The great Price Icahn first called upon his son Lord Ally to take a seat upon the council of Knights.

With his forces in place, Prince Icahn fell upon the evil DeSouza. They fought long and hard DeSouza’s magic and Icahn’s forces laying waste to the kingdom of Illumina.

Finally, the Prices forces prevailed. And as the Prince drove his sword though the heart of the pleading DeSouza, he cried out:

“While obviously I believe the change of CEO should have come meaningfully sooner, it is still a very positive occurrence.”

The people cried out in joy. Then looked out upon ravaged kingdom of Illumina. Not knowing what was to come…